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Some People Can't Admit They're Wrong | Life Is Hard | Hello I'm Clo

Hello I'm Clo!

"Some People Can't Admit They're Wrong | Life Is Hard | Hello I'm Clo"
I know, the title is hard core. 

This week, the details were finalised for the joint birthday bonanza celebration that I will share later this month with two friends who also have their birthday In the same week as me. Our thinking, three birds on stone.
We're all from the same friendship group and with their birthdays being on the 22nd, 25th and mine being the 27th September. It makes more sense to all involved and everyone's bank manager, if we have one blow out crazy night to celebrate all three instead of three separate occasions. L and J are celebrating their 19th and I'm celebrating my 18th and I'm quite looking forward to it!

I'm not a birthday person, I don't do Christmas either. So the thought of focus being solely on me gives me the creeps, and makes me mighty uncomfortable. I don't do cards or gifts, so I am, in essence the perfect, cheap friend, So going out and celebrating all three suits me down to a T.

Like I said we're all in the same friendship group and met through college last year. When discussing the whole 'Who Do We Invite' senario over the phone with L earlier this week, we hit the obvious elephant in the room and reaccuring conundrum amongst most girls out age.

Do we invite the ex?

Both L and J went and still do attend college with my ex. The asshole guy who broke my heart.

My group of friends were recently invited on a night out by someone I considered a good friend, but instead of  being invited, the girl who my ex slept with was invited in my place. That shit hurt. But being the 'up beat' character that I am, I considered it a sign that they simply do not deserve my friendship, banter and smart wit.

So when it came to do we/ don't we invite him, I stated the case that it is just simply poor manners to not invite him and invite everyone else, as I didn't like being left out in the cold. I can't be a martyr and say NO!!! he can not come! as it's not solely my event.
I told L invite him, yet stated I don't want to know if he's coming etc as it simply did not interest me.

I decided I'd be nice for the sake of others, polite and accommodating. Because now. I'm bitter and twisted, cynical and angry, I'll Pandora box the whole thing locked for that night and that night only. That was that, agreed. He would be invited. 

Thought nothing more about it. Until.

Why are they on the guest list?

I noticed loads of 'Randoms' were all of a sudden on the guest list, we said to everyone to let our mutual friends and their other halves all know about the night out so no one was missed off the list and to let them know they were welcome to come along, but most of the names on the list were people I just don't get on with and one I actively dislike - Which is rather unlike me: Why do I actively dislike her? Well, my reasons are very much justified. Because when I was with my ex she made it publicly known how desperate she was to wiggle her way into his pants.
Ew. Get some class please.

Exclaimed L on the phone, My ex was actively inviting underage, non friends and his potential dates to our birthday outing and L was having none of it. Voldie, (My Ex's nickname - long story!) was just generally being a pain and had once again, made it all about him.

I thought I'd jump in and get involved and put my foot firmly down. I was in no way prepared to spend my actual birthday with people I don't want there, I want to be surrounded by all my mates, laugh, eat chicken and party hard, then crash on the floor at 4 in the morning, then eat cold curry for breakfast. Not spend the night avoiding Voldie, watching him attempt to smooze with girls and generally make things awkward turtle central station.

Some may consider it "Childish" to showcase these and openly discuss my "Train Wreck" relationship but I do actually have a valid and overlooked point to make. Read on love soldier.

No matter what capacity it is in, Tweets, Texts, Face to face or phone calls I some how always end up in a fight with Voldie. It's my inner anger I think. I'm so deeply hurt by what he did that it has made me bitter and twisted and until someone comes along to prove me wrong, incorrect or out of line. I will remain this way: of course I'm being facetious! ( Please see my previous post if you need to be brought up to speed. 'Alright Still' )

I throw stuff at him, he throws it back. Words wiz round. His number one problem is he can't admit he's wrong. It's crazy, he slept with someone else in a field, who has four children at 20 and is also a lesbian. Go figure. 
Did he do it to get back at me?
Did he/ didn't he do it to get back at me? I'll never know. However this week I have had the realization that my questions will never be truly answered and will never be truthfully answered. He lied and lost everything. Nothing he can possibly say now will change that.
It wouldn't make the situation any better if he was open and honest, I'll never get back together with him in a relationship sense, as the trust is totally gone, destroyed and my memories are unfortunately tainted. It was a learning curve and the one thing I take from the 6 months we spent together is the fact that I never will be taken for a ride again. I am now a much better, stronger person, with a very fresh and new take on men!

After I so politely asked for him to un-invite / quit inviting randoms, we naturally had an argument. It's become a habit we simply slip into, argue when we talk and to be frank and honest it's draining and has got boring. Once described as "Easy Foreplay" on his part this was far from sex instigating.

I thought although there is five years between the two of us, he at 23 should know better. It's all too easy for him to throw in the "Childish" claim, despite being just 17 and fresh. I am mature and sensible. I always take the high road and take the factual, even and fair approach to life.
Yes. i am THAT girl. (Where is this going?....... haha I joke.) But there is no other way to be, being immature gets you nowhere in life. Ever.

After the initial argument, we rationalised and decided that we should stop tearing strips off one another as it's just not cool, isn't getting either of us anywhere and is tiring and wasting both of our time.

Life is hard. Fact. However you add love, emotions and feelings and merge lives -that's when it all gets complicated. You always need to remember to remain true to yourself and be your own person throughout everything in life, never change to suit another person, don't compromise yourself in order to be with someone who does not accept you for being you.

A great person once gave me this piece advice, which I will always stick to throughout my life, when faced with crisis.

This Has Happened. How Do I Move On?
Now is the time, after the initial storm has died down, I can take one of two paths, the immature hate approach or the high road and accept what has happened and move on in a positive way. Yes. That does include saying how great I am, each and every time he trys to put me down.

When discussing life, love and relationships on the phone with L we both reaslised that we were happy to discuss how we felt about our ex's and the people we're currently dating to one another, as best friends, yet don't have the confidence to tell the people who need to be in the know, in order to heal broken relationships and flourish and let new ones begin, or are worried about the consequences of admitting emotions? Exposing ourselves and letting the truth be out, loud and proud.

It was this straight talking, straight thinking that lead me to call Voldie and discuss things at length, feeling, thoughts the works. He was in my life for a considerate period of time, knows so much about me, seen me naked, without make-up and with morning breath so why can't we talk about something that is making us seriously miserable and grouchy and creating a hostile environment amongst our social group? As there must have been something I liked about Voldie, otherwise I wouldn't have stuck around for so long. It was clearly time to reconnect.

If I hadn't intervened, things would have been intervened for on my behalf, L would have lost her cool with his [Voldie's] shitty attitude and me whining about his bitching and lack of consideration. So it's a good call on my side and although I wish i'd have done it sooner, my heart and head needed time to digest and process everything and adjust to life now, as I know it.

If you're going through heartbreak, it does get better and one day you'll have a heartbreak beautiful moment where everything slots back into place and you can move on and make new memories.

My heartbreak beautiful moment came when Voldie sent me a text after I'd replied to a text, saying:
"Whilst I've got you, you are the current female character in my dream, it's re-occuring and very visual, vivid."

Dreams featured heavily in our relationship, when I slept over at Voldie's Id always dream, yet i don't when I sleep alone. I felt touched that he felt we were back in a place where we can discuss things, like friends, without overstepping the mark or using inuendo.

I didn't know what to reply, yet on Iphone, he knew I'd read it and I always like to acknowledge a text. So I replied flippently with a joke about my skin condition and the reply he sent back hit me, Heartbreak Beautiful.

There is a way around everything, a solution to every problem, you may not see it at the time, things develop and change at different speed rates but one day it will appear, show itself and be harmonious ,making life much, much easier.

Later that night I was listening to my recommended playlist on YouTube, when a track came on and the lyrics just summed up exactly how that day was, how i felt and what the relationship will be like between the two of us from now on. It was very emotional. I cried. It was a very intense feels day. But i felt all the better for it. #girlproblems

The lyrics that stand out for me start at 2.30 and finish at 3.05

When love is made so renegade
You know you're going down in flames
And if our hearts must share a grave
At least can we be friends?
You shoot your words
They knock me down
Like rubber bullets raining out
They bounce right off and I get up again
But if no one understands
At least you could pretend
I never knew when love was true
But I know its the end

He'll never be able to admit he's wrong, that's the way he's programmed. But he still sees me in a positive way, despite all that has gone on, he still sees me in his eyes as the same Flawless Clo.

Some people can't admit they're wrong, Life is hard but overall once you find the balance, Life is beautiful.

Lots of love,

Chin up fellow hearbreakees.
It does get better.

Clo :-)

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1 comment

  1. Hey, I've nominated you for The Liebster Award! You can view it on my page - You have a great blog!
    Kirsty x