Alzheimers, You Bitch

This is a short ranty post. Apologies in advance all! But this has to come out, or I'll bust.

I am a young carer. My Nan has onset Alzheimer's I live with her for 3/4 of the week in order to care for her. I do anything or everything that she needs from shopping to gardening, to entertaining. I am her source of information. To her I am the outside world. Her world.

I'm the one to tell her the time. Keep her tablets all in check. Her tea with fresh milk. I'm the one who'll lock all the doors. Draw the curtains. Be there for her when she's sad. When she misses People who are no longer here. Kiss her goodnight and give her a hug.

To watch the strongest person you know fall asleep and awake, unaware of what day it is or what they've had for breakfast. It breaks your heart. The slightest, simplest thinks we all take for granted. With this vile disease are taken away. You don't even notice it's happening. But the people around you, loved ones really do. Over time it takes its toll.

It's a ticking time-bomb and a buckle-in waiting game as her memories slowly slip away.

I sit here writing, whilst nan reads the T.V guide. Not the stories about the programes on the box. The timing breakdowns. It's sad. There is nothing I can do. That is something I struggle to come to terms with.

She struggles with the fact I can't hear through headphones. She just forgets. She will talk when i'm clearly on the phone and forgets what an Iphone is. There have been numerous occasions when I'm filming for youtube that she wonders in and starts having a full blown conversation. Whilst I'm filming. My viewers think it's funny. It is, but it's also my life.

The sense of guilt I feel when I leave her is overwhelming. It's a very strong emotion. I have to take a break though. It's draining and it's not until you leave do you realise it. I get one day a week to totally chill the F out. Lie in. It's bliss, but at the same time I worry about her.

Nans just asked me what I want for breakfast. I HAVEN'T EVEN GONE TO BED YET!

Better get back to it, but basically what I wanted to say was life is so hard and so precious. Make the most of it.

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