Hello I'm Clo!
It’s odd how time flies when you’re having
fun. I find something that feels like just yesterday can still contradict
itself by feeling long ago. Dead, buried and over.
Which brings me onto today’s topic.
A few nights ago whilst reading a very
funny graphic / doodle book on break ups from a mans point of view. A
hilarious, yet insightful, account into the world of man. I read something,
that somehow made my brain jump into a frenzy, connect dots and jump back to
nearly three years ago.
The ‘Something’ was a doodle about how when
you see your ex, face to face, over the phone or online, you act like the
things you’d promise yourself that you’d do to make your life better post break
up, had actually worked their way into your everyday life; such as going out
more, learning to cook or simply watching less rubbish TV.
My frenzy quickly dawned on me and with
that, I had to write. Not on my mac, ipad or phone. This was serious. It was
time to put pen to paper and get out my journal. SHOCK HORROR
The notes and thoughts I wrote down were
part intended to be read and part little niggley bits that the voice inside my
head chipped in with.
When you go through a break-up, regardless
of what happened or whos fault – or not fault it is, you somehow feel that you
got something tangable out of the relationship, learnt something and yet still,
feel as if you’ve got something to prove. You want to be ‘The Bigger Person’
thing to prove is that I don’t deserve to be treated with disrespect or treated
badly. However, that’s a different boyfriend and a very different story, one
I’ll tell another day.
Regardless of what your personal
circumstances are, what your personality is like. You should never have to feel
you have to prove your worth or desirability to another person. I, in my moment
of frenzy was concerned, that one thought, in the ‘I’m going to prove you wrong’
phase ended up being a game changer for an old boyfriend of mine. If this
thought was a catalyst, it definitely made it into his life.
When I broke up with said boyfriend three
years ago for reason’s I cant even remember so I’ll put it under the ‘Young and
in love’ life category.
We met years before we dated -I loved his
laugh, his nervousness and the way I didn’t need to try and be someone else,
something I desperately struggled with at the tender age of fifteen. He too struggled with fitting in, largely due
to the fact that many people had issues
with the way that he looked.
He was well built, perhaps a little tubby –
yet who doesn’t go through that faze during growth!? It never bothered me.
Since we broke up we have only spoken a
couple of times, last time we did was more than a year ago. We may not have
spoken, but I’ve seen him. He walked straight past me last year with his new
girlfriend he didn’t even recognize me. Despite the fact you may assume that
these were the definitive factors for me, my one and only focus was on how much
weight he’d lost. If it hadn’t been for
his girlfriend, his voice and his watch I too would have walked past completely
He’d lost so much weight it was odd to look
at and just seeing that short, sharp snippet in that book made me wonder –
loose all that weight to prove a point or off his own will power and
I hope it was that latter.
Looking at him made me realize how much I’d
appreciated him the way he used to be, just the way he was. He was tubby, sweet
and so so funny! I wouldn’t have had him any other way. I loved him for who he
was and what he looked like.
If he did do it to prove a point I hope he knows deep down that I
wanted him and adored him just the way he was.
Never do anything just to please others,
you’ll end up miserable and unhappy. Find what makes you happy and focus on
that. You are your number one priority. If you feel you have to prove something
to someone in order to make them love you or want you, they are simply not
worthy of your love, care or attention.
I hope he finds happiness and is happy in
his own skin, just like I have and I am thankful for the time we spent together, as without him, my life would
have taken a very different journey, for that I am truly grateful.
Just some of my thoughts,
Lots of love,
Clo :- ))
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